March 7

About a week ago I dreamt that my grandfather died. I thought it was strange because I never dream about him... probably because I never see him or talk to him. Then a few days later at my parents' house my father just happened to call Korea and check in on my grandfather. Since I was in the same room, he handed the phone to me. In my broken Korean, I said 'hi' and 'how's the health' and dutifully answered all the typical questions like 'how big is the baby?' And then I handed the phone back to my father, secretly glad that the conversation was over. I was never close to my grandparents on my father's side. Mostly because they lived in Korea, but I also harbored a little resentment towards them because they acted like me and my sisters barely existed. Maybe it was because we came out girls and not boys. I actually refused to take a picture with my grandfather at my wedding because I didn't particularly care to remember that he was present. I didn't make a big fuss or anything- it was just a short conversation between myself and the photographer- but the photographer probably thought it was horrible.
Anyway, a couple days after I spoke with my grandfather on the phone, he passed away. I wasn't particularly sad about it until I spoke with my father. He sounded very depressed. There's something about seeing my father really sad that makes me feel like there's a tennis ball stuck in my throat (hard to describe the feeling.) I'm sad because of his sadness.
But the more I think about it, the more I wish I knew my grandparents better. Now that all four of them are no longer alive, I feel like I've lost the chance to really know where I've come from. I also feel like I've lost the chance to be a good grandaughter- not that I know what that even looks like. Come to think of it, I only know the full name of my grandmother on my mother's side.
Depressing, I know. I'm tired. GMK wore me out today.